Not by Design, But by Practice
Steven Universe once said…
I don’t need you to respect me.
I respect me.
I don’t need you to love me.
I love me.
But I want you know you can know me
If you change your mind
Truer statements have been said, but this one hits home for me lately. However, at this point, I feel myself beginning to deny access to those who may want to get to know me.
It’s easier to accept rejection when you don’t leave yourself vulnerable in the first place. As often as people tell you, “That has nothing to do with you. They’re projecting.” or “Don’t let one moment ruin your day.”, it’s still difficult and frustrating and makes you never want to open up again.
In therapy, I’ve learned to identify the feelings I’m having, trace it back to my past, and heal from there. The sadness from a rejection email from a creative writing submission is the same sadness from a getting passed over for a role in the high school musical. Heal my 16-year-old self and I’ll be able to heal my 30-year-old self.
When those practices aren’t, well, practiced, it’s easy to fall into self destructive patterns. Falling into depressive episodes and trying to remember all of your coping mechanisms but nothing seems to be coming to mind is like climbing up a steep mountain with no gear. Every step is a stumble. The jagged rocks are scratching at your hands and looking up makes you dizzy. If you look down, you’ll fall. Would it be easier to just fall?
The most difficult thing I’ve tried learning to do is not let other validate me. When you have people in and out of your life, when loved ones show you how they prioritize you, and a mindset that you’re finally in a good place and someone thrashes the idea, it get’s difficult. It’s frustrating to allow a simple statement or action send you spiraling to such an unhappy space.
While doom scrolling on Tiktok (which has never once helped me) I find myself on the “very demure, very mindful” trend. Originated by creator Jools Lebron (@joolieannie), she talks to the audience comparing how women should show up to job interviews. Modest and demure. The trend took flight and now I can’t go 3 videos without someone calling their everyday activities demure and mindful.
You see how I take my antidepressants in the morning with breakfast? Very demure. Very mindful.
You see how I take bites of my sandwich by keeping all of the ingredients together? Very demure. Very mindful.
You see how I clock out exactly at 4:00pm when my work day is over? Very demure. Very mindful.
With all trends, there are haters and commentators. One enlightening video by joint creators TheGoddessBoys (@beingadp) highlights the actual definition of demure. “Demure. The words that seems to be on everyone’s lips” they begin. “Now by definition, demure means shy, modest, and reserved. And I don’t know if we’re giving shy, modest, and reserved. Unfortunately, I don’t know that we want to. Now we may be demure on the inside, but not so much on the outside.” They go on to prompt the audience to discuss a word that may actually make more sense in most of these situations rather that “shy, modest, and reserved.”
There is a not a demure bone in my body. Each step I take is with gusto and each breath I breathe is with passion. Not by design, but by practice. The more I make attempts to stand firmly and confidently in my space, the more I find myself stepping away from the shy, modest, and reserved mask I once wore. And that right there may very well be the reason I’ve gotten a general air of rejection from many around me. It’s easy to be attractive physically and mentally to the masses when living in a space of "demureness”. But when you begin to stand in your space with confidence and shamelessness, it weeds out those who wanted you around as a sponge to take in all of their energy. When you exude so much light of your own, it makes others work harder to project their darkness.
Climbing up that steep mountain while having these realizations starts to become easier. I thought I didn’t have the tools, but I just needed to be reminded where they are and how to access them. While I so desperately want to be accepted, I forgot that most important acceptance I needed was from myself. By denying everyone’s access to me, I deny them the opportunity to love themselves more.
Love me first, respect me first, then I am able to project, not demureness, but rather divinity.
Take note. Observe the way in which you left the house today to go to the grocery store. Some may say, “This is a waste of time.” Some may also say, “This is a lot for the grocery store.” But we say, “Live you life the way you want to live it and not give a single care in the world what anyone thinks or otherwise would have to say.” And we encourage you to do the same. If you wanna wear it, wear it. If you wanna do it, do it. And if you wanna be it, be it. Thank you. Much appreciated. That’s all. - TheGoddessBoys
I encourage you to use the tools to climb up the mountain. I encourage you to stand in your truest form even at your lowest. I encourage you to love yourself, respect yourself, and allow others to do the same through your display.
