Two Months After Eight Years

December 4th, 2024; 4:45pm

Irritated with the day and praying that my mom enjoys the birthday festivities, I find a white sheet plastered to the back door. It was cold and ordinarily we park in the back. We parked in the front because our reservation was for 5:00 and didn’t want to run the risk of getting trapped in the driveway because it’s easy to miss. I had no reason to use the back door. Even using the bathroom doesn’t mean I have to even look at that door, but muscle memory made me begin to open it before coming to my senses An envelope taped to the bottom corner caught my eye. My heart immediately dropped. Either our landlords left a bill or we’re they’re asking us to leave. It was the latter. Of course it was. Why else would they ask the neighbors to leave and not us? Why else would they leave a note instead of telling us face to face? Why else would they leave this note on my mom’s birthday asking us to be out of the house two months later on my birthday?

Christmas was cancelled this year.

December 6th, 2024; 12:39 pm

My friend texted our group chat to tell us her father passed away. A month prior, our friend’s mom passed away. I already knew in my heart I didn’t understand how to deal with grief. I didn’t know how to console anyone because I don’t even know how I want to be consoled. I said the things everyone says. I’m sorry. What do you need? Even in that, I didn’t think it would matter if I did anything. Not because I don’t want to do it or don’t think it matters. I didn’t know if I was capable. And I didn’t know if my friend wanted anything from me.

I think I may be a bad friend.

December 23rd, 2024; 11:09am

A group chat message comes in asking for everyone to meet up before Christmas. I didn’t want to so I didn’t answer. We still haven’t found a new place to live. Everything is far from work or way out of our price range. I considered returning to the restaurant on the weekends. My fiancé and mom refused to allow that to happen. I can’t ask for a raise at work. I’ve barley proven myself. I’m working on the caseload for 4 people by myself because everyone else took vacation time. Is this still not proving myself?

I don’t think I can ever catch up.

December 25th, 2024; 12:01pm

I texted voice notes to everyone. Each person got a strange variation of me singing “Merry Christmaaaaas!” Only a few responded back. My dad Facetimed his annual “I’m at the beach on Christmas because I live in Florida” call. It always upsets me but always makes me happy that he seems happy. I didn’t know my dad liked the beach until I was 27. At the beach is the only time he’s not judgmental or irritated or short. He wears wrinkly khaki shorts with a thin fabric long sleeved shirt with two buttons unbuttoned on the chest. He has a straw hat beaten to hell and wears a crossover bag with a hand towel. My dad’s very much into his wing tipped dress shoes for work, but he wears those Jesus sandals with Velcro straps at the beach. It’s so strange. Watching my parents get older, I see my mom become more tense and my dad relax more. My mom’s made it a point to dress more professionally while my dad’s wardrobe has gotten looser and looser.

I hung up on my dad when he shared his screen with me showing 75 degrees, feels like 82.

December 31st, 2024; 9:16pm

I wasn’t going to anyone’s house before 9 o’ clock. I want to leave at midnight. For no other reason than it brings me great anxiety being outside of my house lately. It feels like the world is against me. We got to my friend’s house and I was already ready to debrief with my fiancé. The after-event debrief with your partner is one of the best parts of being in a relationship. I never feel more aligned and connected than during those times.

The blind Broadway karaoke was fun.

January 1st, 2025; 12:39am

We didn’t leave exactly at midnight. There was a conversation before the ball dropped about “fake woke warriors”. That was the subject of the debrief. It’s painfully clear in most of my circles how black woman are devalued and seen as objects. I see it everyday. How dare you treat this white woman like that?! She’s a person, not a sexual object. But oohh, yes black girl. Go ‘head girl.”

I sent a ton of people “Happy New Year!” texts. Many didn’t answer.

January 2nd, 2025; 9:42am

No one is here, but the ones who are here are asking me to help them catch up on work. Did you not just come back from a cruise? Shouldn’t you be refreshed and ready to throw yourself into work? No? Great, sure. I have no backbone so I will happily take on this other project.

I don’t even know what my role is anymore.

January 2nd, 2025; 6:20pm

I got an email approving us for the apartment we applied to. Thank God. It’s right on the brink of being too expensive, but dammit I deserve a nice place to live. I’ll get a second job. I’ll get a third. I’ll beg for a raise. I’ve never had a dishwasher before.

I signed my lease while jogging on the treadmill.

January 3rd, 2025; 6:17am

I texted my friend because I haven’t heard from her in a while. She never answered. I called her a few times. Still no answer. Maybe this has something to do with me not being a great friend last year. Or not a great person. Maybe there’s a reason I keep losing friends. There was a joke at my 30th birthday brunch about “meeting Asha’s new friend group.” It’s because I change jobs every few years. Distance is a killer to relationships. If I’m not in your face everyday, I’m horrible at keeping in contact. But I didn’t think I was this time. I thought I had gotten better.

Maybe I’m fooling myself.

January 11th, 2025; 6:46pm

My fiancé texted to say his friend from work is coming over. I don’t have any friends at this job. I don’t want them. They’re mean and nosy and make it impossible to feel comfortable. I hide in my office all day and watch Inuyasha or How I Met Your Mother. Every time there’s a meeting, I have to mentally prepare to respectfully tell someone not to comment on my appearance. So someone from my fiance’s department coming into my home gave me anxiety. What are they going to go back and say? What have they already heard about me? Am I gonna come across socially awkward.

I’d hate to look like a try hard. But, honestly, I do try hard to be liked.

January 27th, 2025; 11:30am

Let me tell you exactly how this meeting went.

A: This client was fired from their job for going into their job in a predominately white town and yelling, “I hate white people.”

B: Oh, you can’t do that.

A: Yeah, especially not there.

B: Yeah, you can’t do that anywhere. (Under their breath) Well, maybe you can do it in Newark.

What the fuck does that actually mean? Like where were you going with that? Why didn’t I say anything? What didn’t anyone else hear it? What kind of person works at a job like this with this population and you have the audacity to let something like that leave your dirty, dusty, distasteful mouth?

January 28th, 2025; 2:05pm

I don’t want to speak to anyone today.

January 30th, 2025; 11:47am

Urgent care is the bane of my existence. I end up sitting in the lobby for an hour just to get called to sit in a crunchy chair for another hour after they stick cotton swabs up my nose and down my throat just to be told, “There’s nothing wrong with you. Take an ibuprofen and you’ll be fine.” Great, I just billed my insurance for no reason. I’m already being sued by the hospital for a workplace accident not being paid for. Let’s just pile on the fees.

January 31st, 2025; 9:04am

This day is already stressful.

January 31st, 2025; 9:04pm

I can’t believe we actually finished everything. New home, new me I guess? Now if the tension would just relax in my house, I’d feel better.

February 1st, 2025; 10:27am

It’s funny how I hold irritation for days. I hold grudges subconsciously. I don’t want to. My feelings kind of hurt today. So does my body. Maybe that’s why my feelings are hurt. Everyone told me you lose all your friends in your 30s. I’ve been grappling with if I’m a good person a lot lately. Maybe I’ve been blind all of this time and I’m not this good person I keep tricking myself to believe I am. I could’ve gotten more presents. I could’ve been more present. I could’ve stayed a little longer. I could’ve given kinder advice. I could’ve been better if I just knew better. Can I be given the chance to do better. Is it too late?

February 2nd, 2025; 4:03pm

Everything’s done. The boxes are put away. The clothes are all clean and folded. My nightstand accurately represents my love of anime and poetry. Fortnite is a short 3 feet from my bedroom. The kitchen can use some work, but I love the counterspace otherwise. I can’t wait for Prosecco and Pals.

February 3rd, 2025; 7:34am

I woke up confused because I wasn’t used to this ceiling. I had a bowl of Wheaties and thanked God that I had a home when two months ago, I didn’t know if I would. So much has changed in two months. And it’ll keep changing. And I want to look forward to that. I want to raw dog the world and know that I’ll keep getting stronger and smarter.

I was used to the same chipped and moldy ceiling with the same broken cabinets and mildew-y smell from the place I called my home for 8 years that never really felt like home. In two months, those 8 years felt like a blur. I want the new experiences. I want the new comfort. I want this newness. Here’s to the next 8 years flashing before my eyes.

February 4th, 2025; 10:27am

I figured out what the issue is. I’m not used to not being liked. I had this thought this morning: I wonder if someone’s placed a hex on me.

I’ve lost a few friends in the past two months. I lost my home, but gained a new one. I lost a lot of the stability I used to feel. Now being at a job where I’m clearly not liked is hard. I wouldn’t recognize myself from 8 years ago. These past two months felt like two years. I don’t think I recognize myself from two months ago.