Personally, I've Mourned the Wicked
“With a thousand sweet ki-ARE THOSE STAIRS?!” exclaimed my moderately tipsy friend while I flew down an alley of an apartment complex on an electric Citi bike. I look forward to the next Elsie Fest.
I recently explored the affects of my emotional state based on the music I was listening to. While I was able to uncover truths about myself, I also understood how many more factors play into how I view the world, how I view myself, and how I interact with friends, family, and colleagues. The constant, though, was how Broadway showtunes seemed to be a constant mood booster.
Shower Song by Tierra Whack playfully explores the cathartic effect of singing in the shower. You’re naked, vulnerable, wet and have the confidence of Blue Ivy Carter at her final performance of the Renaissance Tour. What about the near-boiling hot water raining from my shower head makes me think, “I can hit that high note in Seasons of Love.”?
Growing up, my dream was to be a Broadway performer. My dream role? The classics. Elphaba from Wicked. Mimi from Rent. I even had a Leading Player from Pippin phase.
So, in the shower, I used to practice. Constantly. Whether it was a 20 minute shower after work or a 5 minute shower while I rushed to get ready for an event, there was always time to squeeze in a little performance. During my shower shows, my family would be subjected to every crack in a high note, every struggling vibrato, and every belt turned into an airy screech. I've even performed at a few open mic nights and cabarets. Each time being more nervous than the last while the lights blinded me and I could hear my heavy breathing reverberate through the audience. It became increasingly apparent to me that I did not have what the kids call “main character energy.” It wasn’t the spotlight that I loved, but rather the ability to change people’s mood. To make an impact. An opportunity to make a night better or turn the day around because of something I was able to do.
Growing up, I uncovered a love of anime, Broadway musicals, and writing. These weren’t traditionally interests shared amongst my peers. Talking about them too much or showing more than “normal” interest in them would result in being mocked for the rest of the year. I already was riddled with anxiety about my appearance and finishing my paper for my sophomore year English class. I couldn’t let the things that bring me joy be taken away from me too. This is over 12 years ago. I still hold quite a bit of reservation when sharing my weekend plans involving rewatching season 2 of Jujutsu Kaisen (because I like pain) and attending my 5th Broadway Rave.
Even with the growing community of Tiktok Broadway analysts and the viral audios comparing Jessica Vosk’s Defying Gravity riff to Louise Dearman’s rendition of No One Mourns the Wicked, I feel a sense of shame for the complete and utter joy I get from breaking down the importance of each musical choice. Why does that shame linger? Why is it considered embarrassing to shout to the heavens how much bliss I get from hearing the entire soundtrack of Wicked?
Wicked the movie is officially releases to theaters November 22nd. I was blessed to be able to see it at an early access screening two days earlier. The single video posted to my Tiktok is a before and after of my friends experiences of the movie. There’s something wildly humbling about sobbing in front of strangers and trying to pass it off as a laugh to only come across as hysteric.
Why was this so important to me? I gasped through waves of sobs. Are you good? Are you rallying? My two closest friends in the world know when the gears are turning in my head. They can see my deepest of thoughts and the suppressed passion on our walk back to the PATH. You see, the music isn’t what tickled something in my soul. Neither was the special effects or the choreography.
It was the story.
For those who have never seen the musical or read the story, essentially Wicked tells the story of the Elphaba - the wicked witch of the west - and Glinda - the good witch - before the events of The Wizard of Oz. They went to college together and initially didn’t get along.
“Are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?”
The story begins after Dorothy from Kansas pours water on the wicked witch of the east and melts her. Glinda is addressing the public on the “good news”. The crowd gathers to hear Glinda explain Elphaba’s upbringing and their time together at school.
The moral of the story - because my dad always made it a point to ask my siblings and I what the lesson at the end of a movie was - to my interpretation was endurance. Elphaba endured the criticism of her appearance, of her power, and her convictions. She stands ten toes down on the injustices before her because those that cared for her all her life were being prosecuted to deflect from the powers that be and their transgressions.
Elphaba is one of my dream roles because of her battle cry. At the end of act i, the Defying Gravity riff is a public statement to those who continue to attempt to use her as a tool of mass persecution. It is a calling to all “my people” to stand against those who continue to blame and ridicule and lack the effort to empathize.
In the Wicked movie, the animals have a secret meeting to discuss how to escape or endure during this frightening time for their kind. It reminds me of this past presidential election. The future of black people, of the LGBTQ+ community, of women, of those with disabilities, of children, of education and many more seems so very bleak. Those who have not lived the lives we’ve lived, who have not taken up space in the places we’ve taken up space, and have not endured the way we have been forced to endured aim to take away what we’ve worked so ferociously for.
As a child feeling strange or left out for opting to listen to Alone in the Universe from Suessical made me feel a pressure to conform to the popular norm to get through. Even as an adult, not knowing bar for bar certain lyrics to popular songs was met with side eyes. But often, the lyrics didn’t resonate with me. The story didn’t appeal to my journey. Representation matters to allow us to feel a little less alone in the universe. Elphaba, a green witch, is my resilience. Dr. Dillamond, a goat who teaches history, is my experience. G(a)linda, a “good” witch, is my people-pleasing tendencies. Fiyero, a prince from Winkie Country, is my acceptance of the the human condition.
How I see myself is reflected at me through the lens of these songs, of these characters, and of these stories. I’ve never been able to see myself more clearly than when I am immersed in the Emerald City, or squatting in Mark’s apartment in the Lower East Side, or hunting in the Pride Lands.
So when I’m asked why I love Broadway musicals so much or why I can’t stop singing the Wicked soundtrack, I could only think of one answer.
It reminds that I am able to endure.
