From Flight to Fawn
Growing up is deciding that you’d rather sit on the couch and unpack trauma with your friends over a bottle of wine instead of going out and taking shots of tequila. Although, I still need my occasional shots of tequila with the girls.
“Everything is trauma,” said my young and wise friend, who has gone through her fair share of challenging experiences. We’ve all encountered some level of trauma throughout our lives. A collection of core memories that shape how we behave today, sprinkled with rejection, heartbreak, loss, and confrontation, create the cocktail of stress responses we indulge in.
Fight: Overpowering the threat. Our bodies physically prepare for an altercation. Facing any perceived threat aggressively.
Flight: Facing danger by not facing it. Running away from a threat.
Freeze: Neither fight nor flight are options. A sense of dread. Unable to move or act against a threat.
Fawn: Avoiding the possible conflict that may come after fight, flight, or freeze. Acting to try to please all parties within a situation.
In the past, I’d only known about fight or flight. I’ve never been great at fighting. Flight was always the safer option. However, I was always hyper-aware of the fact that I was a people-pleaser.
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In a previous article, I delved into the eldest child dynamic and acting as the “family representative” amid difficult times with relatives. The inevitable instances of loss and conflict within my family and being the spokesperson for my younger siblings have conditioned me to be the “voice of reason” or mediator. In other words, I don’t want no problems, so let me fix this myself.
A September 2022 article from the mind-body health company All Points North’s website highlights the downfalls of resorting to fawn as a trauma response. “Fawning isn’t just being helpful and looking out for others; it requires suppression of basic needs that can cause someone to sacrifice their physical and emotional health.” When a self-care day seems selfish to indulge in, you may want to analyze how you react to your next life conflict. Do you tend to appease all parties to rectify a dispute to your detriment? Is it often more accessible to “bite the bullet” or “be the bigger person” amid a clash? Are you like me and want all this discomfort and friction to end?
“Survival of the fittest” refers to living organisms’ ability to adapt and evolve in inconstant environments. The fight or flight response is a survival tactic. Not only do living creatures need to develop to survive physically, but as humans, we need to nourish our minds and make space for change. It’s proposed that further research on trauma responses in females made leeway for the study on the “fawn” response. A 2000 article by SE Taylor from the University of California Los Angeles shared by Harvard University introduces a pattern of “tend-and-befriend” as a psychological response to stress. “We hypothesize and consider evidence from humans and other species to suggest that females create, maintain, and utilize these social groups, especially relations with other females, to manage stressful conditions.” (Taylor, 2000) How often do we entertain jokes about women not being able to get along with other women? Why has the commentary never veered towards women maintaining relationships with other women as a survival mechanism?
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How did I conclude that my automatic response is now fawn instead of flight?
I’ve never run.
I’d like to believe that I’m a fighter - and believe me, I’ve been working on my fight - but I’ve learned many things about myself. One of the most important is how to survive in hostile environments. Working within the fast-paced restaurant culture and the high-stakes elementary and high school classrooms has heightened my empathy and flexibility. I learned from energy worker Maryam Hasnaa how much energy can be consistently pulled away from your body without your knowledge. The phrase “keep my name out ya mouth” is much more severe than I once gave it credit for. How do I alleviate the negative energy? How can I dodge it and learn how to avoid it? Fawn is inherently unsustainable. I cannot live as a people pleaser.
I am still discovering my balance in the trauma responses. What suits me for what situation? What is the least taxing on my body? On my mind? How can I maintain the protection of my spirit in addition to setting boundaries? Will I ever wholly outgrow the discomfort of not being liked? Of not being able to appease everyone around me?
Yes. So long as I continue to work towards a better and more sustainable option for each obstacle, the answer will be yes to outgrowing the discomfort of not being liked. The answer will be yes to maintaining the protection of my spirit. The answer will be yes to finding what my body and mind can withstand. The moments where it becomes overwhelming and as though I can’t move forward, I will find a way.
We have a duty to our well-being to continue learning from our experiences and not stagnate in comfortable discomfort. Chaos breeds chaos. Continuing to surround yourself with chaos and react chaotically prevents us from moving forward. Alternatively, being surrounded by discord and resorting to fleeing or people-pleasing teaches us that our reactions are only valid if an outside force deems them acceptable.
Understanding our trauma responses and triggers is one of the first steps to changing our behavior for the better.
