My Saturn Been Returned
“The opposite of love is indifference,” said an Aquarius, probably. Wait, I just looked it up. A white author named Elie Wiesel said it. He was a Libra. I’ll stick to my first thought.
I don’t hate you; I want to erase you from my memory and rid myself of the emotions attached to knowing you. Does it seem harsh? Maybe, but what did they tell us in grade school? “It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.”
Yes, I recognize how aligned this seems with the resurgence of the popularity of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Ariana Grande’s album Eternal Sunshine. Still, it just so happens that it aligns with my life.
Please indulge me as I share.
While scrolling through the endless trap of TikTok videos bombarded with those brave - or shameless - enough to share their regret in putting their efforts into a person or situation that yielded less than favorable results. All that work, and what did it get me? Why did I do it? sang Kurt Hummel on over 100,000 videos. I wish I knew. Can hurt Asha cook for a moment? All the energy I put into people and what did it get me but abandoned? All the time spent developing connections for them to be deemed nothing more than a passing fancy. All the healing I’ve done to move forward, only to have a minor lapse in judgment bring me back to square one.
Why did I do it?
Because I care, clearly. Because I want to have that connection, obviously.
A coworker shared with me an L she felt like she took recently. My mental response: Sometimes, you take the L gracefully, and your pride still gets hurt. And that’s okay.
I can’t tell you how often it feels like the powers that be are teaching me that lesson. I say “the powers that be” and not God, the Universe, or Mother Nature because when your faith in humanity is rocked so abruptly, it makes you question what power can be so cruel.
Forgive hurt Asha cooking like a 15-year-old experiencing heartbreak for the first time ever. When the cards feel as though they are no longer dealt in your favor, it is world-shaking. (Shout out to Sailor Uranus and that East Coast earthquake.)
No amount of therapy and medication nor haircuts and dietary changes could help me escape from the reality that is my attachment to these feelings. So how do I begin to piece together the yellow brick road towards ✨healed✨?
To avoid sounding redundant, refer to past Pearls and Cucumbers articles like My Mindfulness Practices and May You Find Safety. Both of these and many others include techniques and coping skills that have helped me heal. But who wants to hear that when you’re in the throw of it all? Why do I want some pretentious “I’ve got it all figured out” ass-bitch telling me how to be happy?
Well, first of all, you don’t. Because I don’t either. I’ll sometimes look back at those skills and wonder, “Girl, when’s the last time you’ve put your toes in some grass to meditate?” “When is the last time you took a time capsule to a horrible childhood memory and hugged your 6-year-old self?” “ When, if ever, have you sat down and forgiven yourself for all the things that make you feel so guilty?” I’m here to tell you since my Saturn return; I haven’t done a damn thing to make myself feel better.
Here’s what I start today: I start a commitment to myself. Watching those around me be miserable and stay in that state is more motivation than I thought I’d have to commit to myself. Forget the Golden Rule. Forget the Platinum Rule. Cheers to the Diamond Rule. “Do unto others as someone special has done unto you.” I raise you the Pink Diamond Rule. Do unto yourself as someone special has done unto you. Because in the game of life, you’re playing alone. If you have players that aid you along the way, that’s amazing. But when you lose players, expect it and adjust. When players betray you, expect it and adjust. When you do wrong to a player, expect it, learn from it, and adapt. At the end of the day, the day has to end. And when all is said and done, you fall asleep to yourself and your thoughts. How do you want to feel about yourself? Do all the right things, move in kindness, expect the most and least, and adjust.
Saturn makes its rounds every 29 and a half years. Expect it, and adjust.
